*=The Pessimist=*

In the past few days Ive been having lots of fun and Ive never felt better.......
but today its feels like evrthings going down ....I cant really put my finger on it but it just feels that way .....first Of all .....My craft.ever since I finished that blue painting .. I Havent been able to create something new .....Grrr.....I mean how the HELL am I supposed to let my feelings out!?!??!
I find myslef Bursting into song at one time then wanting to cry at another......
I think I' ve got an EMO overload.....woa....Painting /drawing Poetry ,those are the three things I can do Best.....You probably cant imagine how Worthless I feel now......I hate not being able to inspire and to create......I feel DEAD.....I feel like theres a hole in my chest and icy cold water is flowing through it ......T-T .....I dont get it .....
Second .....My grades...argh ....I stayed up tilll 3am for this one project ...it was for this contest thing.....and guess who won ...the biggest suck up in class.....Fantastic.....T-T......
I ended up second best once again ,and won absolutely NOTHING .......
and this week One quiz after the other ...it just hit me today that ive wasted all of them ....I failed all of my first Quizzes...and Im falling way behind In chemistry......
and In math......
AND!!!! I got my report card ..and it said that i was in danger of taking summer classes ....and getting kicked out.Because of "tardy" marks...got a D ......
My teachers a poo head.......
ahhh.....
last ........My friends in class......Just PERFECT ...Thers this couple that broke up a few months ago and they were still at war till monday.....well they had a fight againI ened up in the middle cause of the guy ....he pulled me in ......and being me, I did try to help ...after a while he wouldnt stop whining ...so i just let go of the both of them .....People can be so stupid....
oh the same guy and his bestfriend......arghh...thetyre fighting as well being their best girl-friend

I had to at least try and fix it....well thers no conclusion for that yet ......
Drama Drama Drama .......I hate it ........
Im so sick of this.....I fell like life is running me over with a steamroller for fun........
theres ust too much drama with my friends that sometimes i feel like id rather be a loner ...haha......

anyway everyday I just fin myself drowing in music and falling alseep ...thats all i wanna do ...fal asleep ....
fOrever.........
I'D kill to be happy though ......
can you make me happy? anyone??
T-T

Me Likey

Haha...Im slightly retarded right now..and quite high on sugarrrrrr...hii hii...you can tell by all the dots I'm putting... heheheh.... I was staring at my ceiling once again yesterday.....heheh tis fantastic its always when I stare at the ceiling that I get new Not.... So.... Brilliant ideas ...woaaaaa.. ...ahehehe ^o^ with the help of Music blastin away though ...aheheh ......
anyway ..... I thought of making a list .....of stuff ...that I like ...and I dont like .... not that anyone would care ...but I wanna make one sooo ...leave me alone!!! ...hahaha..... okaaaay .... I think I'll start with the things i like ...aheheheh ... errrrr...now ....aheheheh........




Things That chunky Mc gothgurl likes : no particular order

1. HUGs
2. Roses
   
3. Black
4. colours
5. art
   
6. JaSoN (hahaha)
   
7. Music
   
8. getting sugar high
   
9. Chocolates
10. Nightmare Before Xmas
    
11. Tim Burton
12. water
13. butterflies
14. sparkly stuff
15. talking about herslef in the third person
16. FRIENDS
17. family
18. Life
19. swords
    
20. concept of death
21. pink stuff(burning)
22. voodoo dolls (the cute kind)
23. Purple!!
24. Chunky Hugs
25. dreams
26. people who read my blog

Things Chunky Mc Gothgurl dosent like:

1. liars
2. hillary duff(must die)
   
3. pink
   
4. barbie
5. cheerleaders
6. politicians
7. bullies
8. superficial shitheads
9. close minded overly religious people
10. pessismists
11. boring people
12. conformists
13. kikay girls
14. jocks
15. Britney Spears
16. disrespect
17. passionless people
18. litterbugs
19. metalheads
20. punks
21. hip hop
22. things that are "too" cute
23. Flirts
    
24. BimbOs
25. Jerks
    

heheh there ya go ....

......Now if you dont like what I put up in here ....MAke your own damn List aheheh ...=p
ahehehe

PASSION

My classmate asked me a week ago if i wanted to hire an agent . . and that his sister is offering...
"She said your good and she can help you get public"my friend said with a giant smile across his face....he probably thought i was going to make money with my art... as much as i wanted to ,i had to decline from their offer, i simply felt i had too much on my plate as it is. I'm already falling behind in school ,what more if i had to look after that and being pressured to make more art...it would just be a little too much for me to handle...though its killing me inside that only a few people see my art and less actually appreciate it...the thing is i love doing this . its my life ....but Im scared that i might ruin my academic life . . .argh . . .all i know now is that im real confused. .. .

oh another thing . . .the fact that im actually going to SELL my art dosent feel right . . . .it'll feel like im selling my soul...i cant do that either . . . .so my friend suggested that i make art just for the gallery . . . .i thought about it . . . .and i asked myslef HOW?? my art comes from my soul my heart...if i make it just for the sake of making it its not art its an empty picture on a peice of paper or canvas.....isnt it....i mean art is not art if there is no soul put into it, for example i may not be the most skilled artist ,-but i do have enough to be able strongly express my emotions. . .when i am able to show when Im down ,angry,happy or in LOVE!! <3
But someone who could probably draw the perfect anatomy of a man or design cars and draw landscapes... but,ignores the feelings that come to him during the creation of his peice . .its end up empty and worthless...."Art" you see hanging in dental offices /gg

So my art is a part of me...I cant just let go of the peices I make .. . selling them is . . selling myslef.... to be honest i do not mind if i dont make "good" money...I just want my art to be seen,understood and appreciated...
so yeah . . Ive confused myself once again . . .*hugz*

Super feeesh !!goes bloop bloop

hehe Super fish with the amazing power to swim in the water....!!!! BWAHAHAH . . .
the boredom consumes me while,stress pokes me with a fork in the ass.....and super fish goes bloop bloop ....
*bow* ......

=!!Ohmahgawsh!!=

I have been so productive with my art lately.... I feel like i have al this energy bursting outinto poetry and drawings. Inspired?? maybe ....either way....I still have to figure out how to deal with this english project ..... *strangles teacher* aheheh just kidding.....Its just that he's expecting waay too much from high school students . . . I understand that wee do need something to pull up our ghrades but this is just....UnReaSonable!! He expects a group of 5 confused teenagers to do a monolouge with a written report,sound effects ,pictures of rehearsals,good costumes,and more that I cant even process right now.....and to add to that theres our Filipino techer that seems to enjoy giving students a hard time ..... a real TTT =(Total terror teacher) I hope i can work my way through this somehow . . i wouldnt want to have to go to summerschool or even repeat the year !!..

Im so paranoid bout that now . . .

adding to that paranoia . . is my life outside of school my family seems to be doing okay . . well. . better than before there are less "disagreements" now...
but what Im worried about are my friends . . . .break ups and make ups seem to be the "issue" right now .... Im constantly bombarded with moderately complicated situations....because apparently Im stuck in the middle...hmmm... I have also just recently lost well... not really disconnected from my friend of four years....Its hard but I have to face it....come to think of it im probably better of without her ....(evil laugh)
but the good thing is that ,I have made madea few ,new friends and most of my old friends closer ! ^o^

I almost forgot . . heheh the prom . . .bugger. . . Im all excited for it ...yet another distraction from my studies!! nyahiii^o^ .still have no dress though and its in a month . . .oH my ,oh my . .i Must prepare. . . . heheh . . .


i will continue thi sooner or later like anyone really reads this crap i write

SLEEP?? who needs it . . .

apparently I do . . . In two very long days I have only managed to sneak in maybe four hours of sleep. . . .i guess. . .Im just paranoid about well. . .evrything. . . .
Im also finding myslef already falling behind in my schoolwork...
defintely the physical,mental,emotional stress combo.... . .argh . . .
The only things keeping me sane right now are. .. ,My FrI3Nd,Ive started writing horrible poetry,
and listening to H.I.M.(awsome Finnish band) songs over and over and over again. ...

. . . .SCARED . . .

There are things happening to me these days that just makes me want to jump around going weeee . .but there are more things that just make me want to dissappear . . . .

the other day i got bit by a stray dog. . i tell myslef that nothings going to happen to me . . .
but then i started feeling pain near the area of the bite. .. . rabies???. . . i dont know but still. .I got so scared. . .the kind of scared when you just want someone to hug you . . .
When i got home today my mother reminded me about my surgery . . for my impacted teeth ,i know it isnt exactly life threatening but i have never had surgery before so . .yes . .it also scares the poo poo out of me...
Another thing is school,as usual our english teacher gave us an extremly hard assignment,and my groupmates are all looking at me to do something . .even though i am the mos clueless person there . . .and all the other teachers as well,dumped a giant heap of homework. .for us to do. . *anger*
I am also stuck artistically . . i cant draw anymore to save my lfe !!!. .
my only way to ventilate my feelings isnt even working anymore. .this stuff dosent happen to me . . . .drawing stuf, kept me from going insane ,now i cant even get my head straight. . .Im scared . . .

theres also this feeling like something horrible is going to happen . . and i cant shake it off . . .i try to get high on chocolate . . .it dosent work ,when it always worked before . . .ive had 4 hours of sleep in two days . . .I dont know Whats happening anymore. . . .i feel so Lost. . .

T-T i need a hug badly *hugs pillow* . . . .
.
. i wrote this this morning

I confide in your heart
its glow and warmth ,
oh so divine
save me with your touch
rescue me with your smile . .. .

Heaven and hell have no divide,
and the only bliss I see is your light,
I sleep in death on your shoulder ,
I wake with love in your embrace

Oh . . joy

Well school started today, and i couldnt be more confused. .I was hapy that i was there but i couldnt shake off the feeling that there was something wrong . . . and in my head I kept hearing "I WANNA GO HOME" like a smal kid wailing away. .
i guess its the fact that, I want to see my friends again but i would hate seeing our teachers as well. . . .and also because of the avalanche of long homeworkz and presentations that we have to finish in a small fraction of time... *anger* and to add to that my friends and cuzins left my room in chaos and I have to clean it up...Im actually quite sick of shcool and the people in it i feel like time is moving way too slow ... and i need to break free from this pointless routine wake ,eat, study pointless crap,eat,sleep. . .basically it every frikin single day. . . .there are only a few perks in my day . .when i get home and talk to my alumni friends,always makes me happy. . .
hen i have enough spare time to make at least a decent sketch . . .or when im alone . . and i write poems about random crap. .. err.. .and if i get a hug here and there . . . . thats it .. .
I dont understand how the others handle this . . . i feel so trapped and limited. . . .
aaargh . . . .I hate our school i hate that its extremely conformist. . .they wont even let me wear more than one bracelet !! .. . oki ill leave this here before it becomes completely pointless. . .