=.+Chunky Mcgothgurl+.=

+One Labotomy please+

2006-09-24T03:43:00.000+08:00

LABOTOMY ...
(educate before i whine XD)

Surgery performed between 1900 and 1950 to cure mental illness of all types. The "Ice Pick Method", perfected by a Dr. Freeman, involved hammering an ice-pick type tool into the tear ducts of the eye, going through bone, and inserting the tool several inches into the frontal lobe of the brain. This was repeated several times in each eyelid.

The results of the surgery ranged from death to better than before the surgery - there were no real successes. The frontal lobe controls emotions and ambitions, and many patients who received labotomies would be quiet and have very flat personalities.

The labotomy has been discredited, less than 20 surgeries each year are performed on the brain to battle mental illness, and most of those surgeries are on patients with Parkinsons disease, to control their convulsions.

The labotomy was performed on all types of physcologically disturbed people.

**********
Sleeping was such a beautiful thing to do ... 8 or more hours of random images and colours a sweet escape from everything in the "real world" ... id like to emphasise my use of the past tense "was". because even now in my sleep i cannot rest ... a hurricane of short replays of my worst days...or faling off impossibly high cliffs,being the sacrificial rat for a bloodthirsty thunder God,being turned into a horrid looking chocolate bunny ... or drinking galons of acid while inside a burning house and my skin ripping from too much fat .. all these tings do NOT make me happy.my week becomes: school -> horrid dreams-> wake up exhausted ->then back to school .... all of these things in my dreams mean something ... and trying to figure them all out while nOT being properly rested ... is taking its toll on me ... ive been trying to relate these things to whats happening in my life at the moment ...and none of which seem to make any sense ...

Even He is in my dreams .... i think its because of this overwhelming guilt im feeling, for ending it...
thee are times when if feel like my chest is so heavy that my backs going to break...i cannot tell you or anyone how im feeling, at the moment. I had drawings of them,but i gave them away ...even if i did try most of you would not understand ... bec. im going through someting most people dont even need to go through...still no apparent relation to my dreams...these things ... theyre driving me insane... someone plase give me a labotomy... DX

but i guess such situations are good, in a way ...
there is usually a reward at the end of a difficult task ...
no pain no pleasure ..~?~?~?

DAKILA!

2006-09-22T23:00:00.000+08:00

GO SENIORS!!! LURV ALL AROUND!!!

Little boy box and self mutilation

2006-09-06T19:48:00.000+08:00

I FINALLY got my tongue peirced. after all those years of waiting its so liberating!! haha ..but shhhhh... my parents dont know.. tee hee ...Its insane!! I like how it looks I like having something to play around with in my mouth. I like that i have another acessory to play with... i just love it!
when after its completely healed im gonna name it then marry it!! hahah ... i think bertha is a gewd name ahahah .. =P

AbOuT Th3 PoEm!!
I wrote this in my journal out of boredom and my weird crazy mind thoughts ... or maybe I was high on air then...or extremely Emo about God knows what haha... anyway these tiny little poems seem to sprout out of my head during reaaaally boring math lessons....This was supposed to come with small illustrations (which wouldve made the whole thing easier to understand) but my scanner is still broken *sigh*. and I'm still checking if the older scanner thats been collecting dust on our top shelf still works.
anyway . its weird but it plays out well in my head .... so bleh! =P

*Little boy box*

Little boy box all hollow inside , he needed a heart , so i did provide.
I gave him a smile, eyes made of glass,
and a part of my heart beting steady but fast.

Happy was he,for he could see,
the one who loved him ,
that one was me.
We danced and we kissed with his cardboard lips,
till i slowly felt my own heart tilt.

"could he love me on his own?" i asked myslef,
and went to see him on his wooden shelf.

inside him i saw my heart beating free.
I said "this cannot be
this tiny heart came from me"
"His love isnt genuine it cannot be true
if he had little of my heart would it not be loving me too?"

i weeped and sobbed, i could finally see,
that little boy box could never love me.
my tears filled the room ,till it flooded then i stopped.
and noticed little boy box all sogged up ...

There was nothing left, just my heart,
there was no life, there was no breath,
just my silence and his death

+This In Your Misery+

2006-08-28T16:21:00.000+08:00

One so clean and innocent at births time ,
flooded with dreams,colours,
and a vision of life naive.
with beauty and amazement in every flower,
and sheer fascination with icons of power.

A few years passed,the time has come .
for the earth to poison its own son.
His first heartfelt tears fall
while others drunk on sorrow, take no notice.

A decade or so the heart strikes fast,
He falls in love and it is broken at the last.
his life flys by his heart gone insane ,
from the pain of loneliness
he could not escape.

This i have no idea what it is . all i know i wrote it during our physics class. i couldnt understand a single thing coming out of that womans mouth. buti didnt want to fall asleep in class , so i doodled. doodles led to ideas, ideas lead to long questions and so on . ahehe . whateva.
ahehe ...
im very insecure about my poetry but i kind of want to share it soooo... just go easy on the critique when your going to comment on this entry ahahah...

Am feeling a bit thrown away , because i am not asked to design and do art crap in school as much as i was before... maybe because theres a VA (visual arts) class in school and they found out the drawings that i make are fucking easy to make ahaha.

i dont know if its just me feeling anwanted or unneeded but, I am starting to loose confidence in my art again.I just dont feel like drawing anymore. unless I'm realy down or angry .
but everytime I start a peice it never gets finished. There are so many unfinished peices scattered in my room. i mean am i loosing my touch or something? ahheeheh...

maybe I just need something or someone to inspire me ...
ive been lacking a great deal of spirit lately . the only things helping me move on are coffe and giant helpings of sugar .... ahah.

hmm...things better be lookin up soon ... or else someones gonna loose a head. ahah ....

+holy fish grease+

2006-08-08T22:02:00.001+08:00

i feel like screaming all the time now, cuz of the stress from skool.im a little sad now since my visual arts Prof. said that he expected better from me ...i did of myself as well ... we made a small mock-up of a figure he drew on the board and mine didnt look so hot...DX
and that hardly encourages me to enter that jewelry design contest he asked me to join ...

i volunteered to help design the yearbook like an assistant for one of the people in charge ... but then i ended up drawing designs for every section of the committee, and thats a lot o work since the teacher in charge of everything is sooo meticulous about it ... so im usually told to draw three or four diff designs every other day... and that comes along with all the quizzes and homeworks projects and college applications and write ups and lots of other things ... Whew ... i wish i could stop the world for just two days,to get my head straight ... ahahha

+Little Emo EnoiD+

2006-07-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

*Bittersweet*

Three little words can start it all,

Three little words will destroy it all

Hearts little tune, silenced by the fall,

One heavy note to destroy the soul

Bliss in the rise, hell in the fall

Strength to proceed seems impossible

Sorrow in still, death in life

One hearts lie

Stark, broken in light.

*Poison Preistess*

Woe is the man who earns my ire

What poisons bubble beneath my breath

The blackest of fire burns in my chest

The one who fools me shall be followed by death

Silent but grim, his death slowly comes

In dark and shadows revealed,

Seen with glass eyes,

With a scream of shrill silence

Thickens his blood with cold.

+insanity is you friend? +

2006-07-02T14:26:00.000+08:00

Dope Crazy lyrics

Dope Crazy lyrics

Are you looking
Are you laughing at me
Are you reminiscing
Do you remember me
Try how I try to keep it inside
Crazy
You wouldn't talk to me
You shut the door on me
You left me there standing
Do you remember me
Try how I try to keep it inside
Crazy
I'm not going crazy
Show me I don't see
Help me cause I can't breath
Drowning I'm in too deep
Help me I know that
I'm not going crazy
Are you rejoicing about my decease
Is he looking does he look like me
No
I'm not going crazy

"Dope" awsome band i just discovered through revolver magazine
ive been listening to this song over and over. ahaha .. i guess its helping me hang on to whatever sanity i have left ... i guess cuz im runnin outta decentpeople to talk to .... im hardly evr in the same frequency as any of my friends .. ahaha ... so yeah .. im giving up "talking" alltogether .....
haha...everyones on a need to know basis now...although i do miss having a bestfriend ... ahaha ...

okay anyway this piece (above) is pretty much how ive been feeling for a while ... drew it round summer time and just coloured it yesterday... the sybolism in it is kind of on a shallow plane of thought ...but still ehem im bored ryt now so ill explain it to you feeble minded maggots ... XD

the whole jester theme is kinda obvious, its me feeling shallow and fake,disrespected etc.
the blue and the purple in the hat broken by yellow lines is my "struggle" to find peace and spirituality, but violently disrupted by "earthly" troubles..
The skin color is about greed,envy,inner decay....the teeth = anger ,violence,slef hatred etc....
the ears symbolise me listening to the people around me
and the tongue pulled out sybolizes words/advice etc. taken for granted blah blah....
the left eye (bruised) shows a bit of sanity humanity i have left ... but stil hurt ... ahha...
the other eye is just plain insanity ... aheehe...
i hope you enjoy if youd like to see more of my work please click the link on the side
"CHUNKY ART" thankz !

+Unsatisfied+

2006-06-07T16:52:00.000+08:00

Theres only a few days left of summer vacation ...and i have got to say this was the most unproductive no ... boring vacation i have had since the fifth grade. I spent most of my time sleeping since theres was usually nothing to do anyway ... and other days would be spent on chores and errands ... and what hurt me the most .. two weeks wasted because of my operation whaich gave me shitlaods of pain... which is also to blame for my current craving for pain killers.and there are those "special" days in which I'am left alone at home. with the maid that hardly talks. i just find myslef staring at ceilings or computers ... i have grown so sick TV as well ...has anyone ever noticed that Filipino Television sucks .. i mean yeah we have shows from america and britain etc. but theyre three to four years late .. with an exception of a few ... I know i couldve done something better with my summer ... like spend some quality time with some friends or family .. but most of my planning usually goes to waste.. since I'm still living under my parents roof and rules ... and currently have no car or drivers liscence for that matter... althugh i can mention a few thigs that are actualyy good about the past two months ...

me and my friends trip to riviera... ust the face that wee all got to got out at have sum "fun in the sun" thing made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside ... =P

My trip to tagaytay with my mother and her friends ...the taught me a lot that nightthe nature of my personality and my energies effects on people.. and how to manipulate it ....and the setting was just fantastic...the houses were built to look like the houses in Switzerland...as if that werent enough ... a fairly dense fog flew in and embraced the town ... and the glow of the street lamps through it.. were just heavenly...
i have my own bass guitar now .... yay ...
art classes with Mr. Tagle ( he grows on ya)

well thats it ... i think my family is planning to visit subic .. i hope that goes well .... i also want to put something that i hate with great intensity ...I thought that havig this summer vacation would give me a greater oppurtunity to be able to see Somone more often... turns out it wasnt ... its great dissapointment on my part...... -___-

Help Me!!!

2006-05-31T07:07:00.000+08:00

....i cant beleive im saying this but i cant wait till school starts ....

.....summer vacation aint all its craked up to be ....

....id rather be goofing around in school than staying home ....

.....i have tons of unfinised artwork in my room....

.....ever since these "art lessons started....

.....i havent been able to get anything done....

.....i hate being told what to paint /draw blah...blah....

.....anyway im fussing to muchy i thinks .....

.

....other people gotz bigger problems ryt haha ....

....get over yourslef Dione!!! ahaha ....

YAY

2006-05-28T01:43:00.000+08:00

MY

LIFE

IS

=BORING=

just for now ... i hope ..... .

+Hello Kitty+

2006-05-23T04:41:00.000+08:00

Wow.... my cat gave birth today....i dont know how many yet cuz i dont think shez done.... ahehe .... i found out that she was giving birth this morning around 3:45... i was in our bathroom and i heard tiny meows in the house.... i kept listening till I saw my dog .... apparently he found the kittens before me , the y were in a corner of our upstairs hallway.... and thank God i saw my dog in time ....i saw him forcing himslef through a small space to get to the kittens ... and when i finally got to him he already got hold of one of the kittens .... i hit him so hard on his bumm and he dropped the little white kitten ....i got to that just in time because one more min. and my dog wouldve killed the poor little thing....i picked it up ,still sticky from the ambiotic fluid...i saw that it was the first born ... since the second kitten was only halfway out... hehe... i decided to tie up my two dogs and put my other cat(male) in my room for a while... and i found a box of an electric fan my mum just bought recently ... and moved the kittens then the mother one by one into the box... of course after putting in newspaper bedding and an old fluffy towel...afterwasrds i went to bed .... i woke up at 2:30 pm .. aahaha ....i checked on them again ... and they were just the most adorable things youll ever see... tiny ears tiny paws.fuzzy little thingies of pure fluffy joyness!! aheheeh ... XD ... oh i counted them theyre four kittens ahehe two mostly black two mostly white,all four mixed with a little orange ..ahehe...i just cant help but smile when i look at em ... ahehe ... and when i hear tiny little meows ... ahehe ....

the pic is the cat that just ave birth chilin' on ma supa dupa hip n cool sofa ... =p ahehe ....

+So little time+

2006-05-18T03:35:00.000+08:00

May17 ....I started giggling due to restlessness ... i grew impatient waiting for Jason to meet us.. 5 mins. (turned 15) felt like forever... i guess if youre cramped inseide a pretty small car TIME TENDS TO MOVE SLOWLY IN YOUR HEAD...when we finally caught sight of him i started giggling a lot more .. Why ?? im not exactly sure ... when he got it ... we let him talk .. then my lips started flappin.....i became silent for a moment...i think...and realised how much i missed him .. even if the time we were apart wasnt so long.. i guess txting him and talking to him on the computer made me miss him a lot more .. hehe .... not to mention he helped keep my mind of my operation .. sometimes ... hehe.. at other times he would tease me about cheesecakes or whatnot..
..ehem back to the 17th .. ahehe ... we bought tickets for an 8;30 movie.... my big brother was with us ... we ate at "SUSHIMAN!!! " ahah it took jason Fooooooreeevvver to finish his sukiyaki !! ahehe...okay ... ehem .. ryt after my brother ditched me and Jason to play at Timezone...i "persuaded" Jason to walk outside with me .... we walked across the malls ..ummm.. center.. err. courtyard, as I may call it. me fiddling around with my fone looking around everywhere,still feeling a bit shy ,for i Dont know what the hell reason .... he asked me if i wanted ice cream!! ... and of course i squealed aheheh .. who can turn down ice cream?? huh?? tell me?? O__O aheheh...GREEN TEA ICE CREAM IS DA BEST!!! ^___^ ....we sat down at the "park" or "courtyard" we started talking bout random stuff... but i think i did most of the talking ... aheheh ... ill have to try to talk less nest time . ahehe..=P so yeah after the ice cream we had to go watch the movie ..... naturally we sat nest to each other ... the movie scared the crappers outta me ... haha ... posideon.. haha who'd'thunk it?? aheheh .... i kept squeeshing his arm and his hand evrytime i got al girly and scared hahah ... i better thank him for that hehehe ...
anyway ...it was good clean fun and fear ahaha....
aheheh...i just wanted to say that i had FUNNNN!! .... bawncy....

+so sick of Hospitals+

2006-05-07T14:34:00.000+08:00

For the past few weeks I've been going to soo many different medical clinics.
It all started when my upper left jaw was in pain. we went to the dentist and she took an x-ray .turns out my baby tooth never fell out and was starting to cause some sort of infection thing... yuck... i know ....she then told me to get a panoramic x-ray an xray of my whole set o chompers. and since she was only an orthodontist she told us to go visit some other dude in quezon city ... damn i hated that guy . nothing but talk... he only had flowery words. nothing really made sense. i was sitting there for so friggin long and he kept rambling on about his past patients wo DONT have the same situation as me ... i wanted to strap him down on his ratty old dental chair and write lozer on his forehead with a dental drill ... erg. okay anyway i didnt get to do that ... so he sent us to another dentist. which helped in absolutely no way she only repeated her diagnosis over and over.. and she even lost my x-rayz!!*anger* which meant i had to take another one ... and i did ... so yeah due to her stupidity we looked for another dentist .. at St. Lukes hospital.. she already admitted to me and my parents that she wasnt very familliar with my case and that i t would be a risk if she did it ....sooo yeah .. we went to ANOTHER dental surgeon she knows who is much more experienced. he al asked me to take an x-ray of my whole head .... ahehe....at this point i was already thinking about the radiation and other stuff bcause they didnt give me that lead apron your supposed to wear. but this dentist took my mind of that for a while cuz he had something i wanted... a REAL HUMAN SKULL!! ...aheheh ... he was my fave dentist so far ... ahahah....i was so fascinated that i kept trying to touch it .. but my mum kept hitting my hand to keep me from it .. she was so digusted at it .. it made me smile ahehehe ..... okay ...after a while when tthey were dicussing the money stuff.... i got bored and i walked around the hospital .. i couldnt find the morgue though ... and the nursery was empty.. pfff...so now we had to go to makati med to get prepeared for the operation, i had to take yet ANOTHER x-ray >_<
okay now the day o my operation thingy . i was nervous as hell ... haha .. i wouldnt stop talking haha .. that what i do when im nervous..... haha .. it even tok a really long time before the sleepy juice kicked in .. hehe ... i was just talking so much i think i annoyed the surgeons heee heee ...
anyway next thing i knew i was in a recovery room ... between two other pipol that wont stop coughing .. >.< .... i was waiting foever for them to take me outta there . into a private room... and also ahaha the power went out . haha .so yeah ,i had to keep waiting... then when thepower cam back on ..after theymoved another person tho their room finally they took me .. i got a LOT more pissed tho cuz the guy pushing the bed around was so friggin careless he kept hittin stuff.. so annoying .. okay then i get to my room .. and slept there just for a night ... left the next afternoon ....still kinda groggy ... i looked at myslef in the mirror before we left.. i looked like i had friggin baseballs in my cheeks.... not to mention they hurt like hell!!! ...
aheheh ... after hours of rest ..i can finally talk again ..and i can darw and stuff now since the pain is a bit more bearable .. aheheh ....im actually working on a couple o things ... that i hope i finish soon ... aheheh

+rambling+

2006-04-23T01:09:00.000+08:00

waaaa!!! Lacuna coilz gonna have a new album out soon ... or is it out already?? aheeheh
anyway... i cant wait till i get my chubby lil' fingers on a copy! aheheh....
thats about the Only thing im waiting for now ... "proof" how "exciting" my summers going...aheheh so far ive only gotten to go out with my friends once....swimming at this golf club ahehe... and my "friends" from skool i havent heard from .... except for this one gurl Denise .. shez gonnabe goin back to london on the first of may .. which is a big fat bummer since she helped me a lot this year .... aheheh. i mean i learned a lot from her.. ....and yyeah ... aheheh ....
all ive been doing is sleeping and drawing and errands and nothing and then sleeping again ...
when im actually supposed to be having art lessons or bass guitar lessons or SOMETHING to use up all this free time i have....im actually getting sick of the ceiling of my room due to long term staring.. aheheh.....actually today i think my parents are getting really pissed cuz i was awake all night slept all day woke up a 5 pm and then went out to the mall....ahehe... im being a good for nothing daughter ..ahehe....actually i think i remember my father saynig that my pet dog was better company than me ..that was the harsh-est thing ive ever heard from him...:-P *ehem* but yeah i guess its my fault as well.... bad dione :-P .... and another thing is both my parents are telling me to stop drawing the stuff i draw because they think its not "NORMAL" grrrr.... if i dont draw what i want i dont draw at all!! rawr..ahehe parents . everyone else seems to understand me but them.isnt that a bit of atangle ..hehe....oh well I'll try to sort things out... aheheh...

comment on the pic: I just miss those times when everthing used to be much more fun . aheheh..less screaming less fighting ....less worries about ermmm stuff... aheheh ...

+Mother earth and Father Sky+

2006-04-17T19:45:00.000+08:00

Read this you maggots .... :-P

Overview:

Depending upon how you look at Wicca, it is either one of the newest or one of the oldest religions in the world:

	Wicca is a recently created, Neopagan religion. The various branches of Wicca can be traced back to Gardnerian Witchcraft which was founded in the UK during the late 1940s.
	Wicca is based on the symbols, seasonal days of celebration, beliefs and deities of ancient Celtic society. Added to this material were Masonic and ceremonial magickal components from recent centuries. In this respect, it is a religion whose roots go back almost three millennia to the formation of Celtic society circa 800 BCE.

A follower of Wicca is called a Wiccan. Wicca and other Neopagan religions are currently experiencing a rapid growth in the U.S., Canada, and Europe. This is seen particularly among some teenagers, who are rejecting what they feel is the autocracy, paternalism, sexism, homophobia, and insensitivity to the environment that forms part of some more traditional religions. Many North Americans of European descent, who are keen to discover their ancestral heritage, are also attracted to this religion.

About deities:

Depending upon one's point of view, Wicca can be considered a monotheistic, duotheistic, polytheistic, or atheistic religion:

	Wicca is monotheistic: Some Wiccans recognize a single supreme being, sometimes called "The All" or "The One." The Goddess and God are viewed as the female and male aspects of this single deity.
	Wicca is duotheistic (a.k.a. rarely as bitheistic): Wiccans often worship a female Goddess and a male God., often called the Lady and Lord.
	Wicca is polytheistic: Wiccans recognize the existence of many ancient Gods and Goddesses, including Pan, Diana, Dionysius, Fergus, etc.
	Wicca is atheistic: Some Wiccans view the God and Goddess as symbols, not living entities. Depending upon which definition of the term "Atheist" that you adopt, these Wiccans may be considered Atheists.

Terminology:

Terms relating to Wicca are confusing, as they are with so many other religions:

	Wiccans often refer to themselves as Neopagans. The term "Neopagan" includes all faith groups which are based on attempted reconstruction of ancient, extinct religions. However, not all Neopagans are Wiccans. The umbrella term "Neopagan" includes followers of many other earth-centered faith traditions, like Druidism, and Asatru.
	Wiccans often refer to themselves as Pagans. Unfortunately, this term has at least six different meanings, some of which are rather negative. "Pagan" is often used as a general-purpose snarl word to attack others. In its positive sense, Paganism includes Neopaganism as well as many other religions.
	Some Wiccans consider Wicca and Witchcraft to be synonyms.
	Others differentiate between Wicca, which they view to be a religion, and Witchcraft, which they perceive to be the practice of magick. Under this definition, Witchcraft is not a religion and thus can be performed by members of any religion.
	Most Wiccans practice magick. However, some do not and concentrate on the spirituality of the Wiccan religion.

Wicca and Satanism:

"It seems to be necessary to preface every discussion of Witchcraft with an explanation that, no, Neo-Pagan Witches aren't Satanists. The Christian anti-God, Satan, has no place in Pagan pantheons, either mythologically or theologically." 1

Because of extensive religious propaganda dating from the late Middle Ages, Wicca has often been linked to Satanism. Wiccan beliefs and practices are no closer to Satanism than they are to Buddhism, Hinduism, or Islam. In fact, Wiccans do not recognize the existence of an all-evil supernatural being similar to the quasi-deity Satan. He is found mainly in Christianity and Islam.

However, there are three superficial points of similarity between Satanism and Wicca:

	Both use a five pointed star as a symbol. Satanists align it so that two points are upwards. Wiccans orient their star with two points downwards, except in special cases.
	Both generally perform their religious rituals within a circle marked on the floor or ground.
	Most Wiccans and Satanists engage in magick; however, Wiccans are limited to non-manipulative, consensual, positive magick.

It is also important to realize that some conservative Christians consider all non-Judeo-Christian religions to be Satanic. They believe that when followers of these religions worship their Gods and Goddesses, they are really worshipping Satan and/or his demons. For this reason, they consider Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Wicca, and hundreds of other religions to be either Satanism or inspired by Satan.

not my own writing taken from : http://www.religioustolerance.org/wic_intr.htm

just wasting time ...aheeh ^__^'

myt as well help educate ... muahahah...

+SUMMER+

2006-04-11T04:15:00.001+08:00

i had no choice my computer was in terrible condition

Mood:weeeee
Listening to: running up the hill-within temptation

i just reformatted my computer,and im kinda pissed cuz all the pics i had of my friends that i havent posted online or printed out are all gone. i lost all those "memories" grrrr.... and ive been working on some stuff on my comp,an image for my journal and ertc. its kind of frustrating to loose,my music has also dissapeared,but i guess theres no harm in starting over.ahhe...
speaking o starting over . im thinking of a serious makeover ...i was sitting at my table looking at all my drawings hanging on the mini "clothesline" i set up under the shelf above my desk. they were hanging off tiny little dark green clothespins *glee* ahehe..ahehe back to the point...i was looking at em and i noticed that they look too much alike. my parents noticed the same thing they said"isnt it time to try something new?" soo i guess
i need to open myslef to new ideas or take lessons or something ... because i noticed that even Im getting bored with my work nyahehe.
i dont feel like i improved ... so this sumer i promised myslef im not going to waste it and instead use it for ....erm self improvement ....
My parents noticed this and decided to enroll me into john robert powers ,which i kind of DONT LIKE!!!
hehe my parents have a knack of "overdoing" things...aheheh ... anyway at leat they agreed to buy me a bass guitar ahehehe... i still dont know how to play one but im willing to learn!!
ahehe by the way if anyone has any suggestions for a good brand (just forthe practice) thats not to pricey aheheh ...please share! ....

so yeah ..summer
i failed trigonometry,but its okay,i thought id fail a bunch of other classes .
too bad about my friends though some of them didnt make it and have to repeat the year! and the other got kicked out
im gonna miss them and one guy Hasnt returned
my "allergic to stupid people" and slipknot pinz!!!.
i feel bad for them ... but they kinda brought it on themsleves didnt they??
its still crap tho.....ahuhuhuhuh

jason nd I . its been two months of us bein togetha. and im haPpY! ermm yeap.... aheeeeeee
im such a kid @__@ weeeeee....

ART KEEPS THE VOICES OUT OF MY HEAD
lifes like a dick ,if it gets hard fuck it !!

+Cracked+

2006-04-06T01:23:00.000+08:00

I dont know whats wrong with my head. i think its finally cracked.

ergh....ive been taking in quite a lot of emotional,
psycological,and mental bashing lately ....

people wont get off my back .... everyday for the past few

days I've had my mum scream some of the most bitter things into my earz. and etc.

ive had quite a lot of strees about submitting my

requirements and still stressed for when my report card will

be released w/c will be on friday.

and another thing ..

i found myself to be a hassle.. to basically everyone around me ...

I feel like a left behind puppy all the time...i deeply wish i was able to drive or be more

independent .. at least i could hijack a car or go wherever ....

and another is i kind of got hurt . even tho that person who did didnt mean to .

i have no idea why Ive made such a big deal about it.

it really isnt...

i think its the girly side of me taking over haha =p

i hate being like this..ergh.....aaand

He should be pissed at me for being shallow and unreasonable. =P

ergh....

Im confused ... deeply ....i dont even know why im angry or sad or whatever...

AAAAAAAAARRGGGHHH!! :p WTF is wrong with me ...o___O??

+Past My Poisoned Eyez+

2006-03-28T00:29:00.000+08:00

Blood red and blind slit wrists you may find, her skin white as porcelain , breaks as dawn glows on her .the waste, sparkling with tears, the light layz down , the sun so brightly grins on her ... trapped in her body used and cold .. .she claws to find her salvation ... forsaken she must be,swallowed by the dark... her eyes dead as grey, as the reaper whispers in her ear. she twists her toes in search for warmth arms crossed over,round and soft ...

part of my diary
i write tons of shit that means absolutley nothing to anyone else but me ... muahahahahah....
this is just an erm ... example of whats in it,erg....cuz i wanna put it here .. nyahaha ....

i think i wrote this when i was in a great amount of stress and self hate ... ehehe.... i dunnow....
i dont really consider it a poem cuz it kinda sucks too much to be a poem .. and its to flowery to be a story ... so ... erm ...just read it ..... ahahahah

So yeah ... its finally summer and the heat is waw.O__O
and the stress from skool hasnt exactly left me, because i still have to submitt these projects for my Clearance..erggh.... its so damn fussy ... ergness....T___T
anyway .....i gotta do em in a few days ...and after that i have to wait for my report cards which i think will be given next week friday. ahehehe ...then ill find out if i really have to go to summer class or not .....T_____T..... i actually have a feeling im going to repeat ....T___T
argh...... i hope i dont have to,cuz im planning to get a summer job .. ahuhuhuhuh .and sum bass guitar lessons .... ahehehehe .....
.....i have been running low on brain fuel....
yyyeah .... my brains empty now ...
Buhbye..0__0

+in love and lonely+

2006-03-21T20:46:00.000+08:00

by H.I.M.

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

I'm not with you my baby
Just to see you cry
I'm in love with you
Not the tears in your eyes

I can't remember
The last time you smiled
Oh I know how it feels
I know what it's like

To be
In love and lonely
In love and lonely

Don't know what to do my baby
It's not alright
This can't be the end
The time to say good bye

No I won't walk away that easy
After all this time
Oh you know how it feels
You know what it's like

To be
In love and lonely
In love and lonely

Oh you know how it feels
You know what it's like
You know how it is
But you just can't stop crying

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

In love and lonely
In love and lonely

I just have no idea what to write ... so i put the lyrics o the song that speaks to me most at the moment .

i have art block again...well not exactly ..letz just say slow..
and i dont really wnd up happy with the stuff i draw ....
which is kind of a bad thing because charles my friend, is sponsored by malacih clothing ... some kinda uraban clothing for skaterz ...hes asking me for shirt designs cuz he isnt happy with their current artists work ...from one point of veiw its a good thing... cuz i think ill same some commision from it as well...yay a job...aheheh. just kidding .. erm.. badthing is im in an artistic rutt and i dont know wether ill beable to give him anything decent to give to his sponsors......
sooo ...yeah ...
thats it ...
*poof*

+insecure+

2006-03-19T00:16:00.001+08:00

......just wanted to vent ...
*ehem* ....
Things i hate .

my body ...
my hair
my skin
MYSLEF
spreading the hate ...
being neglected
being alone (although most of the time i am)
being misjudged
being misunderstood
being"misinformed"(LIED TO)
being weird
being used
getting abused
being discriminated
getting manipulated
being hated
getting backstabbed
being taunted
being feared (by a few peolple )
being helpless
being disrespected
not being taken seriously(made fun of)
"plastic" people
posers
wannabes
know it alls ...
dicks
assholes
pervs
wimps
being arngry or depressed all the time even i seriously dont want to ...
being told what to do ...
being made to conform ...
i hate you
i hate money(well...the greed that comes with it)
i hate sluts
i hate being the smallest in our group all the time
being the fattest in our group all the time
I HATE NOT BEING WITH JASON RYT NOW ....
I HATE MYSLEF .......(did i say that already)
i hate CSA (stoopid skool i go to .....)
i hate most of the people in it
i hate the world we live in ...
i hate not being able to think about more things to hate ... nyerk....
i hate chemistry ....

ahehe .. Talk about a hate blog... aheheh .. rawr ....
aheheh .. anyway... yeah .. -_-''

+Josie+

2006-03-15T19:20:00.000+08:00

three names you go by:
1. Dione
2. D1
3. chunky

three screen names you have had:
1. death_dreamer1989
2. red_raven1989
3. alienEnoid

three physical things you like about yourself:
1.Eyes
2.lips
3.hair

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1.cheeks
2. nose
3.body

three parts of your heritage:
1. filipino
2. spanish
3. portugese

three things that scare you:
1. Losing loved ones
2. pink
3. Giant monkeys

three of your everyday essentials:
1. Cellphone
2. Money
3. More money

three of your favorite musical artists:

.H.I.M.
within temptation
muderdolls

three of your favorite songs:
1. "Killing loneliness" by H.I.M.
2.Losing his touch -jack off jill
3. forsaken - korn and disturbed

three things you want in a relationship:
1. Loyalty
2. Honesty
3. Happiness

three lies and truths in no particular order:

lies:
1. I love the color pink
2. i want to conform to capitalism
3. i like monkeyz

truth:
1. I Love Jason!!
2. The world is black
3. we all die ...bwahahahahah (its true!! were all gonna die!!! *evil laugh*)

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. Hair
2. Face
3. Body

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. Internet
2. taking pics with friends
3. art stuff ....

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. stabb someone
2.hug Jason
3. burn the highschool faculty

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1.Photographer
2. art professor /teacher ^^;
3. Psychologist

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. Egypt
2. London
3. New Zealand

three kid's names you like:
1.I
2.dislike
3. Kids

three things you want to do before you die:
1.travel da world
2. lie in an open coffin
3. touch a real human brain

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. I like playing videogames,
2. I buly other boyz
3. I dislike wearing pink (cuz its da gayest colour in da world!!!)

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1.i like butterflies
2. moody
3. i like shopping!!

three celeb crushes:
1. Ville Vallo
2. Gerard Way
3. Dtuart Twonsend

ahehehe i enjoy anwering these things .. ahehe
i stole this from jasons blog .. because i currentlyhave nothing to do ... aheeh
Boredome stickes once again .. ahehe ... :-P

+pointless but fun+

2006-03-10T16:34:00.000+08:00

1.ONE OF YOUR SCARS, HOW DID YOU GET
IT?
-running up the stairs

2. WHAT ARE ON THE WALLS IN YOUR ROOM?
-paintings errr clock ..

3. WHAT DOES YOUR CELL PHONE LOOK
LIKE?
- a small errr ..phone ...

4. WHAT MUSIC DO YOU LIKE TO LISTEN TO?
-metal,goth,rock...heephup... ahahah

5. DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME YOU
WEREBORN?
- yes ... exactly 7:55 on a monday morning.

6. WHAT DO YOU WANT MORE THAN
ANYTHING?
-Love

7. WHAT DO YOU MISS AT TIMES?
- ZlackerZ (my friends)

8. WHAT IS YOUR MOST PRIZED
POSSESSION?
-pointless to answer

9. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SMELL?
-Roses i guess

10. DO YOU GET CLAUSTROPHOBIC?
-indeed elevators scare the bejesus outta me ...

11. IF YOU WILL DIE TOMORROW:
-the world will be a better place.. :-D

12. THE LAST PERSON TO MAKE YOU CRY?
- myself

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE PERFUME?
-victorias secret pear glace

14. WHAT KIND OF HAIR DO YOU LIKE ON THE
OPPOSITE SEX?
- long and black or .. spikey ... aheheh

15. WHERE CAN YOU SEE YOURSELF
PROPOSING TO SOMEONE?
- cemetery.... bwahaha

19. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON WHO MADE
YOU MAD?
- jo' momma

20. DO YOU SPEAK ANOTHER LANGUAGE?
-Tagalog ?? yyeah .... chan drak kun jason!!!<3

21. WHAT WAS THE FIRST GIFT SOMEONE
EVER
GAVE YOU (OF THE OPPOSITE SEX)?
- chocolate...mmmmmmmmmm.....

22. WOULD YOU FALL IN LOVE KNOWING
THAT THE PERSON
IS LEAVING?
-leaving??... i try my best not to ....

23. WHAT IS THE BEST WAY TO TELL
SOMEONE HOW MUCH
THEY MEAN TO YOU?
- making something for them..or jst telling em str8.

24. SAY A NUMBER FROM ONE TO A
HUNDRED:
-11

25. WHAT IS THE ONE NUMBER YOU CALL
OFTEN?
- 616 last three numberz

26. WHAT ANNOYS YOU THE MOST?
- flirts,posers,superfical shitheadz...

27. HAVE YOU EVER DONE A PRANK CALL?
- is your refrigerator running???

28. WHAT WERE YOU DOING BEFORE YOU
FILLED OUT THIS
SURVEY?
-sniffing pillows

29. IF YOU COULD GET PLASTIC SURGERY,
WHAT WOULD
IT BE?
-my ass nyahahaha .

30. WHY DID YOU FILL OUT THIS SURVEY?
- i was held at gunpoint bymy imaginary friend Mr.
powpow

31. WHAT DO YOU LIKE ON YOUR PIZZA?
-M&M's

32. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF ALCOHOL
BECAME ILLEGAL?
-cry ... and go look for some more .. nyahaah

33. WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR YOUR
BIRTHDAY?
-all my closest friends to be with me ...and H.I.M.
to play as live entertainment aheheh

34. WHAT WOULD YOU DO IF IT SUDDENLY
STARTED
RAINING BLOOD?
-look up stick out my toungue and enjoy!! .. :-P

35. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
- a Goddess

36. DO YOU WISH ON STARS?
- yeah .. they never work tho *anger* ahehehe

37. WHICH FINGER[S] IS YOUR FAVORITE?
- index and pinky !! \m/

38. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY?
-ermm... saturday???

39. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
-bwahahahha my handwriting?!?!..errrm....NO

40. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
- broccoli

41. ANY BAD HABITS?
-slacker,cussing,squeezing,spontaneous screaming and singing...

42. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD
ON THE SHELF?
- spice girls bwahaha i was young and stooopid ....

43. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD
YOU BE
FRIENDS WITH YOU?
-NO

44. HAVE YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET
YOU SWORE NOT TO TELL?
-yeah ...hee hee am a bad friend .../gg

45. DO LOOKS MATTER?
- Im not gonna lie ... to me they do matter
but not so much ...

46. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER?
- screaming ,stabbing ,drawing,crying,listening to loud mudic for hours ..sometimes ermm hurting myslef *stoopid Dione*

47. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME?
- my head

48. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY?
- NO

49. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A
CHILD?
-my army of headless barbies

50. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GIRL/GUY
-Idependence,depth,sincerity,insight,humor,creativity....

+SO DAMN CONFUSED+

2006-03-08T17:35:00.000+08:00

SO DAMN CONFUSED
Mood: LOST
Listening to: Hell in your eyes ...

argh ... its officail am goin to summerskool.T__T gawsh ... my teacher screamed at me yesterday infront of all my classmates .. in tagalog "wala ka nang awa sa sarili mo magsummer ka ha!!" (meaning im not helping yourslef so your going to summer skool ...)while pointing at me with her eyes almost poppin outta her head .....arg... its kinda unfair because i want the only one who didnt have that monologue thing or that formal theme thing ... i was just one outta 20 or more and she just had to scream at me ... *whine* okay aheheeh ... just venting .. ahehehe...
anyway .... stil got art block ... pressure form my family,friends,teacherz are kinda overwhelming .. i think i just heard my brain crack ... :cray: aheheh ... anyway 15 dayz of skool left ... i can make it ...
heheh just this afternoon i passed my chemistry quiz (for once) ahahaha ... am very proud of it ..
aheheh chem is a f**king pain in the rear end ya know .. aheheh ...

Oh well... i hope my art blockiness will be over soon....cuz summer break is coming up and ill still have plenty of time to draw and stuff despite the summer classes .. haha... and i think my parents are planning to sign me up for some art lessons ...ahehe...
glee....

in other news ...
im goin crazy ... aheheh ... i want to strangle all my classmates theyre all pains in the bee-hynd erg... and also .. some"special" day is coming up .. and im kinda disappointed bout it ...welll ..yeah ... -_____-'

BITE ME ......

2006-02-26T23:13:00.000+08:00

the government is all buggered up ..PGMA is still a short ass korrupt bitch with buck teeth ... and the rest of the politicians are goin to hell ... ... and the military is gonna blow everything up... and well all be in the friggin crapper *sacrastic applause* ...something good better come outta this crap . or I'll blow up Malacanang Myself!!!

+Harvest+

2006-02-20T12:24:00.000+08:00

Throughout this year ...all i have been doing is helping my friends with their "problems" and giving them adivce..etc.... i also noticed i didnt really give enough time for myslef ... i let my own life go into a downward spiral ...Until about a month ago .. I couldnt beleive that my life was quite unfair .. i gave and helped ... well..i honestly tried my best to help people. butt all i got in return was .. a big fat ... nothing ...for a while my motto went back to ... "Lifes a bitch then, you die"(used previously") ... "positive" aint it ?! My mind was always noisy ...i was always exauhsted.. and sleepless....and that dosent really include the stress from schoolwork!! erg....Highschools a real bitch ... especuially that my friends have graduated T__T and I am left to scurry among the pools of people who dont really unserstand meh ... i think some of them were actually scared of me .. ?!? whaaa??.... okay ... *ehem* back to the point ... CSA is a total HelLHolE!! *ehem*I have no sense of belongingness there at all .........-__-'

yeah ...a few weeks before .. i felt things were getting lighter .. I made lots of new friends (Zlackers still the BesT tho') ... who at least tried to understand me .. aeheh ... (forgiveable...I hardly understand myslef anyway) I felt my heart got a lot less heavy.. i wasnt as angry as i was before ... and it seemed that the help i have given to my friends was reciprocating... ^__^....
and also ....someone Ive been interested in is my squeeeshy feesh now!!! nyahahahah alhough my grades are still kind of ... errr.. down there ... the other aspects of my life are all bright and happy hence the bright and happy art ...*gleeeee* .....^______^

+=My Pillow=+

2006-02-19T19:44:00.000+08:00

Since i was a child .. I have always had plenty of pillows on my bed .. up until now .. I beleive I have 1...2..3.... errrr...16 pillows on my bed..... i always found myslef starving for something to hug .....But now not so much ... I usually just shove most of my pillows to one side of my bed... why?? cuz .... I already found something ..*ehem* someONE worth huggin ...<3 and i could never be HAPPIER .....
Your my squeeshy Fish Pillow ahehehe .... *huuuuuuuuuug*......
^_________^

.+=Chunky Mcgothgurl Presentz=+.

2006-02-15T18:17:00.000+08:00

"Killing Loneliness"
Memories, sharp as daggers
Pierce into the flesh of today
Suicide of love took away all that matters
And buried the remains in an unmarked grave in your heart

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
Oh, I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Nailed to the cross, together
As solitude begs us to stay
Disappear in the night, forever
And denounce the power of death over our souls and secret words are sent to start a war

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me,
I'm killing loneliness with you
I'm killing loneliness that turned my heart into a tomb
I'm killing loneliness

Killing loneliness

With the venomous kiss you gave me
I'm killing loneliness (Killing loneliness)
With the warmth of your arms you saved me

This is my fave song .....which i think everyone else i know DISlikes ...../pff...
Moany??!?!wtf? Moany!??!?!*anger* ...argh...
aheheh
hehe ..... and the pic is the pic i gave to DANIEL haha...tacke care o that i worked my [] butt off just to make that for you...ahhehehe .....<3

Anyway ... Im bored to DEATH here at home so i shall tell you about
CHUNKY MC GOTHURLZ ADVENTUOROUS ADVENTURES in HER LAMEASS JaIL OF A SCHOOL....

THere she was staring at the clock....not wanting to go to school.... she crawls out of her bed ...and drags her feet to the bathroom...she returns to her room and lovingly stares at her bed ... full of soft comfy pillows she sleeps in .... and yet ...*sigh* she puts on her latest outfit (rockin' may i add) and waits for her brother....she collects all her makeup black nailpolish and other things "needed" for the day .... she leaves for school......reminded by a sweet song .... she texts someone ... "hehe g'mornin B4 your class starts.^_^ mis u!" it was for jason ...she looks up sees the raod infront of her and stares endlessly at the gray pavement ... ignoring everything else but her thoughts ..she arrives at CSA ... the (must i keep calling it a school ?? its a jail for the youth ) she wanders into the jungle of people ... and catches a veiw of her friends ..."Zero Divide" her friends were to perform,a few songs...she assisted with the makeup and nails ...

after the show.. tho she enjoyed and watched... cheered and enjoyed ."you guys got better"she said to themd she still felt that something was missing ....she decided to shrug the feeling and wandered around the school again ...she found her other group of friends .... also aimlessly wandering around the campus *ehem* "jail" They went to the feild scramed like crazy and had fun^^ .....although

there were also bad points of the day.....drama once again .... from a couple she knows.....
but she discarded the emotion and the thoughts of helping ...."it wont help"
she thought to herslef........
after a few hours of boredom ... she went home .. and is writing this blog now .. haha ..... Pardon me for my horrible writing i aint making it my career anyway nyahahaha ....^_______^

=THE DIZZEH ONES=

2006-02-14T17:09:00.000+08:00

Eurostar carnival ... heheh pretty small place and the rides look pretty simple ... but dont ever judge things from the way they look...haha....i did end almost ended up "retreiving" the fries i ate earlier....So did my brother Beli and Jason...ahaha...after the first ride we found oursleves looking fo rthe nearest bench to take a breather....i think the only calm ride there besides the kiddie rides is the Ferris Wheel ...^^... love that ride aheheh ... ^__^ okay ... ehem...anyway... we took a break form the dizzy rides and went to beat up Jason at the bump cars!! ...aheheh ....soo much fun to pick on him!! aheheh *peace* ^^and after that we decided to ride "flipper" when the whole ride tips to one side and basically turns your GutZ into Knotz ...
haha....Me and Jason rode the Wheel agen.. but this time it scared me ... because .. earlier the ride didnt take long.. this time it was waaaaaaaaay longer....scary for me cuz i dont really trust machines(*ehem* yung mga umalis ng Cora jan *ehem* \m/ magick reigns supreme!! wahahaha tama bah??!?!? tgal na ko di naglalaro eh .^^' ) and yeah ... just scary aheheh ^^'.....

OH YEAH dont forget the best ride ever!!! .... JOkeR !!! everyone has to ride that one!!! Omg .... aheheh ..... i love the veiw ..and the flipping and the spinning and the omigod im gonna die up here feeling ....argh!! soo kool...
aheheh
anyway ....
Eurostar is pretty kool...the entrance fee ain so bad either ... just the things you buy in it are HELLA exspensive !! aheheh ...
My suggestion:if your planning to go make sure to bring friends if you have any .../gg
and a CAMERA its not just the rides that are fun, the look on your friends faces after the ride is pretty good entertainment as well aheheh ^______^

Oh by the way ..
HAPPY VALENTINES DAY EVERYBODEH!! ^_^

<3 you

+=Vaccine=+

2006-02-01T18:06:00.000+08:00

Killing loneliness by H.I.M. My favorite band !!! woot* check em out if you gotz time ..hehehanyway I was litening to this song and I felt soo ...... HAPPY .....its kinda odd
writing bout this cause of my previous post ..^^' but this is how i feel ...so piss off!!

SO...since I was in my sophomore year I pretty much felt like I was alone ......not alone as in friendless ...alone as in alone ...like I was left behind.....for example my "barkada" would be laughing their heads off and I would ..errr be moping or at least pretending to laugh.....
Somehow i felt like there was always something missing like a big big BIG chunk of me was missing,I coldnt understand, I had FabuLouS friends and fairly good grades and my family didnt do so bad that year .....but the void was just there ...haunting me ....floating above my brainless head ....and taunting me ......
so if you knew me last year I was probably distant,angry and agressive
and seemed most likely to kill herslef or anyone! bwahahahah (just kidding)

*ehem* Loneliness was my disease ...which I thought was uncureable....
everyday Id complain ...why do I feel this way ....
ad everytime Id see a couple ...weel couples my age .....I just got more angry....
I took me a while to find out I just needed someone to Kill this disease In me ....hahah
Love is the Vaccine for loneliness.........
though I DO have someone in mind,but... Im still thinking bout it .......^-^
hahahah anyway hte point is ....that feeling is gone .... not just because i got someone to hug .....^^
its everything ...I have great friends we have tons of fun ....my art block is UNblocking..hahah
and proms coming up !!! wooooooo!!!! and i ve got plenty of clients for my art thing ..heee heeee ...
OOOOH!!! and also I just won a contest ...at deviant art.com ...
I won a months free subscription!!! I know this dosent really make sense to most of you but I WOOOOOOOOON!!!! wooooo.......

oh yeah ..commets on the pic ."oscar" the doll is asking the heart if it can make him happy
....the heart answers NO DUH!!~!
heheh ...enjoy ...^^

=The Pessimist=

2006-01-28T18:14:00.000+08:00

In the past few days Ive been having lots of fun and Ive never felt better.......
but today its feels like evrthings going down ....I cant really put my finger on it but it just feels that way .....first Of all .....My craft.ever since I finished that blue painting .. I Havent been able to create something new .....Grrr.....I mean how the HELL am I supposed to let my feelings out!?!??!
I find myslef Bursting into song at one time then wanting to cry at another......
I think I' ve got an EMO overload.....woa....Painting /drawing Poetry ,those are the three things I can do Best.....You probably cant imagine how Worthless I feel now......I hate not being able to inspire and to create......I feel DEAD.....I feel like theres a hole in my chest and icy cold water is flowing through it ......T-T .....I dont get it .....
Second .....My grades...argh ....I stayed up tilll 3am for this one project ...it was for this contest thing.....and guess who won ...the biggest suck up in class.....Fantastic.....T-T......
I ended up second best once again ,and won absolutely NOTHING .......
and this week One quiz after the other ...it just hit me today that ive wasted all of them ....I failed all of my first Quizzes...and Im falling way behind In chemistry......
and In math......
AND!!!! I got my report card ..and it said that i was in danger of taking summer classes ....and getting kicked out.Because of "tardy" marks...got a D ......
My teachers a poo head.......
ahhh.....
last ........My friends in class......Just PERFECT ...Thers this couple that broke up a few months ago and they were still at war till monday.....well they had a fight againI ened up in the middle cause of the guy ....he pulled me in ......and being me, I did try to help ...after a while he wouldnt stop whining ...so i just let go of the both of them .....People can be so stupid....
oh the same guy and his bestfriend......arghh...thetyre fighting as well being their best girl-friend

I had to at least try and fix it....well thers no conclusion for that yet ......
Drama Drama Drama .......I hate it ........
Im so sick of this.....I fell like life is running me over with a steamroller for fun........
theres ust too much drama with my friends that sometimes i feel like id rather be a loner ...haha......

anyway everyday I just fin myself drowing in music and falling alseep ...thats all i wanna do ...fal asleep ....
fOrever.........
I'D kill to be happy though ......
can you make me happy? anyone??
T-T

Me Likey

2006-01-24T20:19:00.000+08:00

Haha...Im slightly retarded right now..and quite high on sugarrrrrr...hii hii...you can tell by all the dots I'm putting... heheheh.... I was staring at my ceiling once again yesterday.....heheh tis fantastic its always when I stare at the ceiling that I get new Not.... So.... Brilliant ideas ...woaaaaa.. ...ahehehe ^o^ with the help of Music blastin away though ...aheheh ......
anyway ..... I thought of making a list .....of stuff ...that I like ...and I dont like .... not that anyone would care ...but I wanna make one sooo ...leave me alone!!! ...hahaha..... okaaaay .... I think I'll start with the things i like ...aheheheh ... errrrr...now ....aheheheh........

Things That chunky Mc gothgurl likes : no particular order

HUGs
Roses
Black
colours
art
JaSoN (hahaha)
Music
getting sugar high
Chocolates
Nightmare Before Xmas
Tim Burton
water
butterflies
sparkly stuff
talking about herslef in the third person
FRIENDS
family
Life
swords
concept of death
pink stuff(burning)
voodoo dolls (the cute kind)
Purple!!
Chunky Hugs
dreams
people who read my blog

Things Chunky Mc Gothgurl dosent like:

liars
hillary duff(must die)
pink
barbie
cheerleaders
politicians
bullies
superficial shitheads
close minded overly religious people
pessismists
boring people
conformists
kikay girls
jocks
Britney Spears
disrespect
passionless people
litterbugs
metalheads
punks
hip hop
things that are "too" cute
Flirts
BimbOs
Jerks

heheh there ya go ....

......Now if you dont like what I put up in here ....MAke your own damn List aheheh ...=p
ahehehe

PASSION

2006-01-15T19:26:00.002+08:00

My classmate asked me a week ago if i wanted to hire an agent . . and that his sister is offering...
"She said your good and she can help you get public"my friend said with a giant smile across his face....he probably thought i was going to make money with my art... as much as i wanted to ,i had to decline from their offer, i simply felt i had too much on my plate as it is. I'm already falling behind in school ,what more if i had to look after that and being pressured to make more art...it would just be a little too much for me to handle...though its killing me inside that only a few people see my art and less actually appreciate it...the thing is i love doing this . its my life ....but Im scared that i might ruin my academic life . . .argh . . .all i know now is that im real confused. .. .

oh another thing . . .the fact that im actually going to SELL my art dosent feel right . . . .it'll feel like im selling my soul...i cant do that either . . . .so my friend suggested that i make art just for the gallery . . . .i thought about it . . . .and i asked myslef HOW?? my art comes from my soul my heart...if i make it just for the sake of making it its not art its an empty picture on a peice of paper or canvas.....isnt it....i mean art is not art if there is no soul put into it, for example i may not be the most skilled artist ,-but i do have enough to be able strongly express my emotions. . .when i am able to show when Im down ,angry,happy or in LOVE!! <3
But someone who could probably draw the perfect anatomy of a man or design cars and draw landscapes... but,ignores the feelings that come to him during the creation of his peice . .its end up empty and worthless...."Art" you see hanging in dental offices /gg

So my art is a part of me...I cant just let go of the peices I make .. . selling them is . . selling myslef.... to be honest i do not mind if i dont make "good" money...I just want my art to be seen,understood and appreciated...
so yeah . . Ive confused myself once again . . .*hugz*

Super feeesh !!goes bloop bloop

2006-01-09T23:46:00.000+08:00

hehe Super fish with the amazing power to swim in the water....!!!! BWAHAHAH . . .
the boredom consumes me while,stress pokes me with a fork in the ass.....and super fish goes bloop bloop ....
*bow* ......

=!!Ohmahgawsh!!=

2006-01-08T20:30:00.000+08:00

I have been so productive with my art lately.... I feel like i have al this energy bursting outinto poetry and drawings. Inspired?? maybe ....either way....I still have to figure out how to deal with this english project ..... *strangles teacher* aheheh just kidding.....Its just that he's expecting waay too much from high school students . . . I understand that wee do need something to pull up our ghrades but this is just....UnReaSonable!! He expects a group of 5 confused teenagers to do a monolouge with a written report,sound effects ,pictures of rehearsals,good costumes,and more that I cant even process right now.....and to add to that theres our Filipino techer that seems to enjoy giving students a hard time ..... a real TTT =(Total terror teacher) I hope i can work my way through this somehow . . i wouldnt want to have to go to summerschool or even repeat the year !!..

Im so paranoid bout that now . . .

adding to that paranoia . . is my life outside of school my family seems to be doing okay . . well. . better than before there are less "disagreements" now...
but what Im worried about are my friends . . . .break ups and make ups seem to be the "issue" right now .... Im constantly bombarded with moderately complicated situations....because apparently Im stuck in the middle...hmmm... I have also just recently lost well... not really disconnected from my friend of four years....Its hard but I have to face it....come to think of it im probably better of without her ....(evil laugh)
but the good thing is that ,I have made madea few ,new friends and most of my old friends closer ! ^o^

I almost forgot . . heheh the prom . . .bugger. . . Im all excited for it ...yet another distraction from my studies!! nyahiii^o^ .still have no dress though and its in a month . . .oH my ,oh my . .i Must prepare. . . . heheh . . .

i will continue thi sooner or later like anyone really reads this crap i write

SLEEP?? who needs it . . .

2006-01-05T22:36:00.000+08:00

apparently I do . . . In two very long days I have only managed to sneak in maybe four hours of sleep. . . .i guess. . .Im just paranoid about well. . .evrything. . . .
Im also finding myslef already falling behind in my schoolwork...
defintely the physical,mental,emotional stress combo.... . .argh . . .
The only things keeping me sane right now are. .. ,My FrI3Nd,Ive started writing horrible poetry,
and listening to H.I.M.(awsome Finnish band) songs over and over and over again. ...

. . . .SCARED . . .

2006-01-05T04:41:00.000+08:00

There are things happening to me these days that just makes me want to jump around going weeee . .but there are more things that just make me want to dissappear . . . .

the other day i got bit by a stray dog. . i tell myslef that nothings going to happen to me . . .
but then i started feeling pain near the area of the bite. .. . rabies???. . . i dont know but still. .I got so scared. . .the kind of scared when you just want someone to hug you . . .
When i got home today my mother reminded me about my surgery . . for my impacted teeth ,i know it isnt exactly life threatening but i have never had surgery before so . .yes . .it also scares the poo poo out of me...
Another thing is school,as usual our english teacher gave us an extremly hard assignment,and my groupmates are all looking at me to do something . .even though i am the mos clueless person there . . .and all the other teachers as well,dumped a giant heap of homework. .for us to do. . *anger*
I am also stuck artistically . . i cant draw anymore to save my lfe !!!. .
my only way to ventilate my feelings isnt even working anymore. .this stuff dosent happen to me . . . .drawing stuf, kept me from going insane ,now i cant even get my head straight. . .Im scared . . .

theres also this feeling like something horrible is going to happen . . and i cant shake it off . . .i try to get high on chocolate . . .it dosent work ,when it always worked before . . .ive had 4 hours of sleep in two days . . .I dont know Whats happening anymore. . . .i feel so Lost. . .

T-T i need a hug badly *hugs pillow* . . . .
.
. i wrote this this morning

I confide in your heart
its glow and warmth ,
oh so divine
save me with your touch
rescue me with your smile . .. .

Heaven and hell have no divide,
and the only bliss I see is your light,
I sleep in death on your shoulder ,
I wake with love in your embrace

Oh . . joy

2006-01-04T04:59:00.000+08:00

Well school started today, and i couldnt be more confused. .I was hapy that i was there but i couldnt shake off the feeling that there was something wrong . . . and in my head I kept hearing "I WANNA GO HOME" like a smal kid wailing away. .
i guess its the fact that, I want to see my friends again but i would hate seeing our teachers as well. . . .and also because of the avalanche of long homeworkz and presentations that we have to finish in a small fraction of time... *anger* and to add to that my friends and cuzins left my room in chaos and I have to clean it up...Im actually quite sick of shcool and the people in it i feel like time is moving way too slow ... and i need to break free from this pointless routine wake ,eat, study pointless crap,eat,sleep. . .basically it every frikin single day. . . .there are only a few perks in my day . .when i get home and talk to my alumni friends,always makes me happy. . .
hen i have enough spare time to make at least a decent sketch . . .or when im alone . . and i write poems about random crap. .. err.. .and if i get a hug here and there . . . . thats it .. .
I dont understand how the others handle this . . . i feel so trapped and limited. . . .
aaargh . . . .I hate our school i hate that its extremely conformist. . .they wont even let me wear more than one bracelet !! .. . oki ill leave this here before it becomes completely pointless. . .

heLLO

2005-12-02T02:30:00.000+08:00

This is my first blog ever, dont expect much Im new to this heheh. . . well. . . Chunky Mc goth gurl. . . .thats me !!
I call myslef by that name because. . .

first Im CHUNKY!!! well chubby... though i dont look it in my pic . . .second Im a Goth . . . .??? maybe. .Im not exactly sure . . . .well Im definitely interested in this subculture thats for sure . . . and third because hehe im a Girl!! heheh no duh . . .
This name was sugar induced sooo. . .i apologize if lame . . .=p it seemed funny when i was high on CHOCOLATES!!!!
well me . . .Im an artist ,not a very skilled one ,but an artist nonetheless. . . i took this pic of myslef. . .*proud*
anyway . . .i have a feeling Im goin to be coming here plenty of time cuz im conceited and i like writing about myslef !!! hahah . . .just kidding . . okay . . .i found out about this place from my friend . . he made it look like fun so. . i decided to makeone for myslef !! weeeeeeeeee
maybe my future entries will make more sense. . . .but for now if you read this till the end . . BWAHAHAHAH . .. I wasted you time sucka!!! ahehh . . *hugs for evryone*

=*.+Chunky Mcgothgurl+.*=